1000 Ways to Die (season 3, 2012)

The TV show 1000 Ways to Die airs on the cable channel Spike. New episodes air on Monday nights at 10/9C, beginning on March 12, 2012, with the Season 4 premiere.[1]

Season Episodes 6 Premiere date Finale date
1 12 May 14, 2008 April 5, 2009
2 12 December 6, 2009 February 24, 2010
3 (2010) 42 August 3, 2010 February 29, 2012
3 (2011) – – –
3 (2012) – – –
4 8 March 12, 2012 July 15, 2012

Episode 61: Death Penalties

Aired January 25, 2012

This episode only had six deaths, as opposed to the normal seven, with the final segment being twice as long as the others.

Death # "Event" Name Date of Death Location Circumstances of Death
496 Recep-Shunned July 3, 2010 Warwick, RI An obnoxious wedding singer performs an insulting song, making fun of the groom being tricked into marrying the bride, who is pregnant and has herpes. When the groom gets angry and goes to fight the singer, the best man tries to calm him down, only to be pushed into the microphone stand, causing the microphone to lodge in the singer's throat, which asphyxiates him.
874 Dyin' Maiden September 4, 1789 Lyon, France During the French Revolution, a spy posing as a maid tries to kill a magistrate to get his money, but is stopped by the magistrate's assistant. For committing treason, the maid/spy is sentenced to death by being shoved inside an iron maiden and impaled.
358 Teri-Yucky October 5, 2006 Bremerton, WA A master chef at a Benihana-style Japanese grill restaurant owns a set of precious knives. One night, the busboy of the restaurant steals the knives to role-play as the chef. When he throws one of them high in the air, he manages to catch it, but it severs a support rope holding up a giant Buddha head decoration. The decoration slams into the busboy and causes him to face plant into the hot grill, which scorches his face and kills him from fatal burns.
950 Knife Surprise September 23, 2001 Leesburg, FL A common street thief who regularly mugs passersby goes after a diving equipment vendor as he's loading his merchandise into his car. The vendor uses a knife to stab at the street thief (despite that fighting back against an armed mugger is ill-advised) and the knife gets lodged in the thief's side. As the thief tries to pull it out, he presses a button that releases a burst of nitrogen (the knife in particular is used to subdue sharks during deep-sea diving excursions), which causes the thief's viscera to explode all over the parking lot.
24 She-Man November 3, 2007 Venice Beach, CA A female bodybuilder who works as a fetish actress for weak men who are attracted to physically strong women is taking a bath to prepare for her best customer. While under the influence of muscle relaxants and alcohol, she slips into the water, but gets out before she can breathe in any more water. However, while trying to crush a watermelon between her thighs for her best customer, she chokes to death and dies from dry drowning.
445 Apocalypse Harley April 16, 2011 Hollywood, CA A Marlon Brando-esque mercenary has been hired to take down a Charlie Sheen-esque TV actor who has been in the news for his erratic, misogynistic behavior, and his cocaine abuse. When the mercenary has the actor cornered in his mansion, the actor races to the kitchen to snort cocaine and get his machete. While running circles around the mercenary, the actor trips and stabs himself in the pulmonary artery with his own weapon. He manages to utter, "Winning!" to one of his live-in prostitutes before dying.

Episode 62: Die-abestic

Aired February 1, 2012[2]

Death # "Event" Name Date of Death Location Circumstances of Death
215 Spit-Ill July 4, 2007 Marietta, GA A southern belle working a kissing booth for charity at a carnival is stealing the money from the jar. When her high school crush walks up to the booth, she is more than willing to make out with him. However, he had been chewing sunflower seeds, and the belle had an allergic reaction to the sunflower seed oil and died of anaphylactic shock.
462 Tow F. U. August 28, 2006 Union, NJ A tow truck driver was also a scam artist. He would put fake 'No Parking' signs up and then overcharge customers when he illegally towed their car or does any other services. When a woman with a broken down car agrees to pay his high prices to get her car towed, the lazy tow truck driver accidentally hooked onto the cars steering rod instead of the tow link. While the car is being towed, the tensed steering rod breaks and the towing hook flies into the driver's head, crushing his skull.
296 Tipping Point May 8, 2001 San Francisco, CA Two rival waitresses working at a failing sports restaurant fight over who gets to serve a table filled with male softball players. When the fight gets physical, one waitress climbs atop the bar to body slam the other waitress, but she misses and lands on a spiked receipt holder that was knocked on the floor during the fight. She panics when she sees the receipt holder stuck in her silicone-filled breast and pulls it out. The blood from her pierced breast and heart leak out and she dies of exsanguination.
554 Critical Condition March 22, 2009 Boston, MA A food critic – notorious for his caustic reviews on restaurants – gets drunk on martinis during his latest assignment (a plan hatched by the chef and the bartender who know about the critic and decided to get him drunk so he'd write a good review). In his drunken state, the critic accidentally bites and swallows a plastic sword-shaped toothpick in his martini. The bitten piece wedges in his stomach wall and the critic dies days later of perionitis (based on the death of Sherwood Anderson).
280 Dead-Necked November 24, 2006 New Suffolk, NY A spoiled teenager throws a redneck themed party as a joke on his country cousin (despite that his country cousin is a law school valedictorian). When the cousin arrives, the spoiled teen decides to "prepare the main course" and deep-fry a frozen turkey. When the frozen turkey is dropped in the pot of hot oil, the reaction creates steam under the turkey, which expands rapidly and propels it out of the pot, and into the face of the teenager, jamming the cartilage of his nose into his brain and killing him instantly.
366 Strang-Girled September 26, 2005 Bellevue, WA A cheating wife selfishly steals the neck massager from her husband who was using it after a long day at work. She rejects his concerns for her and goes into the bathroom to relax with a massage and a bath. However, her chain necklace gets tangled in the massager and strangles her.
94 Pop and Lox February 12, 1984 Bronx, NY An arrogant, Jewish-American princess who's into break-dancing holds a rap battle in her backyard against a rival team over who boasts the biggest sound in the neighborhood. During the battle, the break-dancer drops dead from Sudden Arrhythmic Death Syndrome caused by her high-energy dancing and the soundwaves disrupting the rhythm of her heart.

Episode 63: Star Death: The Last Generation

Aired February 8, 2012[3]

Title reference: Spoofs the popular TV series Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Death # "Event" Name Date of Death Location Circumstances of Death
453 Cat Got Your Life July 5, 2009 Orlando, FL An animal hoarding divorcee with multiple cats becomes obsessed with mating them so she can collect and drink the milk of her pregnant cats, not realizing that they have been eating white snakeroot plants outside her house. The milk picks up the plants' toxins and causes the woman to die of organ failure.[4]
182 Homie Invasion/Homie's Dead August 16, 2006 Shallotte, NC On a hot summer night, a burglar breaks in and begins stealing things from the owners' home. The husband goes to stop the burglar, but gets hit in head with the burglar's baseball bat. The wife tries to revive her husband with CPR, but he doesn't awaken. Just as the story is about the end with the typical 1000 Ways to Die "Way to Die #" and title screen, the story is rewound to show that the husband did come back to life (as he had a rare condition called Lazarus syndrome in which victims who are supposedly dead are suddenly revived). As the burglar escapes, the husband confronts him. The burglar freaks out over the husband's revival and falls off his rope, dying of a skull fracture and fatal brain damage from hitting the cobblestone path below the balcony, while the wife is relieved her husband is still alive.
446 Inside Choke June 24, 2005 Kyoto, Japan A Japanese Yakuza boss punishes a drunk karaoke singer by severing his fingertip and swallowing it, only to have it lodge in his throat. One of his underlings performs the Heimlich maneuver to save him, but his incorrect technique ruptures the boss's aortic valve so that he dies of massive internal hemorrhaging.
152 Photo-Dead-Ick September 22, 2004 New York, NY An anorexic, cocaine-using supermodel has her entire body painted with latex for a photo shoot. The combination of drug abuse, poor diet, and rising body temperature (due to the latex's preventing her from sweating) causes her to pass out and impale herself through the eye on a lighting post.[5]
330 (This is the second death to have this number) Paper Or Spastic February 24, 2002 Crook, OR An incredibly obnoxious and ill-tempered grocery shopper tries to swindle a store cashier, then screams at the manager when the cashier calls him in. During the argument, the scarf she is wearing (and trying to shoplift) gets caught in the checkout stand's conveyor belt and strangles her to death.
529 Chug A Lug July 10, 2001 Sedona, AZ A competitive, perfectionst clothing entrepreneur constantly drinks large amounts of water and runs for exercise. While trying to out-race her rival from several past marathons, she collapses and dies due to swelling of the brain caused by water intoxication.
232 Nine Inch Nailed April 10, 1999 Tacoma, WA Three men hired to clean a local dump waste time by rolling in a tire down a hill with a wooden ramp. The first man passes the ramp, but when the second man rolls down, the ramp collapses and exposes two nine-inch framing nails from the ramp, which puncture through the tire and sever his spinal cord, causing neurogenic shock.

Episode 64: Death – Putting The "Fun" In "Funeral"

Aired February 22, 2012[6]

Death # "Event" Name Date of Death Location Circumstances of Death
711 Spastic Surgery February 5, 2004 Greensboro, NC A woman who has recently had gastric bypass surgery chews out her husband and forces him to divorce her while the two dine out at a fancy restaurant. While arguing with him, the woman has a coughing fit, which causes her to bleed out excessively and bring forth a pair of forceps (which were left inside her by her plastic surgeon) from her lacerated stomach.
191 Rhymes With "Rich" November 18, 2007 Grosse Pointe, MI A gold-digging personal trainer targets a wealthy businessman who has hired her to help him and his wife stay in shape. After the wife yells at her husband for having an erection from the trainer's seductive ways, the trainer celebrates by practicing her clean and jerk with a 150-pound barbell. However, she lifts it too fast and collapses on a step aerobics platform. The impact from the fall snaps her neck, severing her spinal cord.
258 Less Is Mormon May 20, 2001 Amity, OR A polygamist cult leader is set to wed his fourth wife. His latest wife gets nervous and runs off into the woods. The other cult members go after her, stepping into fatal traps set up around the compound to keep cult members from escaping alive. The groom ends up dead from one of his traps—a spiked board that impales the victim when stepped on like a rake.
689 Wine And Die October 1, 2002 Napa Valley, CA A nerdy, virgin college student takes a female foreign-exchange student from Sweden to a vineyard for a wine tasting, only to find it closed for the off-season. Having brought their own wine, they get drunk and climb into a fermentation vat to make out. Both of them soon asphyxiate due to the carbon dioxide emitted by the fermenting grapes.
420 Die-Rect TV September 29, 2009 Brooklyn, NY A squatter decides to tap into his neighbors' cable television line for some free entertainment when he sees that they are watching a marathon of 1000 Ways to Die. He climbs up to their exterior cable box, but tumbles down the building's fire escape, and gets impaled through his mouth and brainstem by the screwdriver he had between his lips.
944 Dead Light Green Light April 18, 2005 Everett, WA A scalper selling fake tickets to local sporting events gets caught by an angry customer who was just turned away from having counterfeit tickets. The scalper hurries across the street, but is hit and killed by an SUV, even though the pedestrian signal is green (the traffic light was shorted out by a slug that crawled into the electrical box to escape the sun).
346 Extinguished December 12, 2006 Asheville, NC A bitter ex-jock, whose college prospects were ruined by failed drug tests, now plays dodgeball at a community center. After one aggressive victory against a group of nerds (all of which are heads of Internet companies that are making more money than the jock ever will), he yells at his teammates and tries to spray them with an old, improperly maintained fire extinguisher. The container explodes and the handle lodges into his chest, destroying his heart and kills him.

Episode 65: Sor-Dead Affair

Aired February 29, 2012

Title reference: A pun on the saying "sordid affair".

Death # "Event" Name Date of Death Location Circumstances of Death
911 Penis de Milo March 28, 1993 Montreal, Quebec, Canada A sculptor chiseling away at his latest project is dumped by his attention (and sex) starved wife. Lonely, the sculptor decides to chisel a vaginal opening at the base of the statue and have sex with it. Exhausted from having sex with his work of art, he tries to get up, only to find himself stuck on the statue due to priapism. The sculptor screams for help, but no one comes to his aid. The sculptor then tries to wriggle out of it. The sculptor manages to free himself, but not before his unfinished statue crashes down on his chest, causing flail chest by shattering his ribs and asphyxiating him.[7]
143 Bad Laps January 6, 2005 Crystal Lake, IL A drill sergeant turned swimming instructor for plus-sized women turns the heat up in the pool, much to the anger of his students. The instructor then throws down a challenge: if any of his students can outswim him, then he'll turn down the pool's temperature. Wearing his wetsuit, he jumps in, and after twenty laps, the exhausted trainees finally give up. However, the sergeant dies of hyperthermia caused by his wetsuit trapping the pool's heat and causing his heart to fail.
181 Pris-un-done November 22, 1982 New Mexico State Penitentiary A serial killer organizes a riot against the prison guards. He waits for the crowd to move out of the area, then takes a guard hostage with a shiv made from a screwdriver. During a standoff with the other guards, one of them launches a tear gas grenade that hits the inmate in the throat, collapsing his trachea and killing him.
225 Wreck the Halls November 5, 2003 Fort Lauderdale, FL A man with a passion for irritating his neighbors sets up a garish, Christmas light display in his yard (despite that, under normal circumstances, the man hates Christmas and anything related to the holiday). His latest addition to his yard display is a booming sound system on the roof. After turning it on, he slips and gets his foot caught in the cord of the speaker system. As his cries for help go unheard, he swings back and forth, bashing his head against the wall and eventually causing fatal brain damage.
571 Polly Want To Crack Your Spine? August 23, 2001 Carmel, IN A housesitter instructed not to have guests over invites her boyfriend to the home. When they are distracted by the owner's cockatoo during a make out session, she opens the birdcage and the bird flies to the roof. When the sitter leans over the balcony to try and grab the bird, she slips and falls into a glass table, cutting her carotid artery.
393 Grim Sleeper May 26, 2008 Long Beach, CA A woman who lives on a houseboat is unaware that she suffers from somnambulism and often eats while sleepwalking. During one of her nightly walks, she slips and plunges into the water, drowning before she can wake up.
1000 Premature Endings March 13, 2011 Sharon Levy Memorial Hospital A woman walks through an emergency room filled with patients who are dead or near death from injuries and illnesses caused by their own stupidity or ignorance of conditions they never knew they had. She has come to visit her elderly father (described as beloved, hard-working, and faithful to his family and friends) in hospice care; shortly after she arrives, he dies peacefully in his sleep. The narrator then looks back on all of the deaths on the show and concludes that the show is more of an instruction manual on how to live rather than a lurid docu-fiction on bizarre deaths.
NOTE: This was intended as a series finale, but the show was renewed for another season.

Episode 66: Locked and Low Dead

Aired February 29, 2012

Title reference: Play-on words for the phrase "Locked and Loaded".

Death # "Event" Name Date of Death Location Circumstances of Death
612 Gone Green March 26, 2007 Los Angeles, CA A rich socialite throws a St. Patrick's Day party and plans to show off the $3000 antique green dress she shoplifted, which contains Paris Green dye (a poisonous dye containing a chemical common in rat poison). During the raucous party, everyone gets drunk and hurls champagne all over the socialite and her dress. In the morning, while everyone wakes up with severe hangovers, she wakes up to find that she's been dyed green, then vomits green slime and dies of organ failure from the dye seeping into her skin.
374 Dead Battery October 11, 2003 Elko, NV A paranoid conspirator lives off the grid in a home powered by car batteries. When his girlfriend doesn't comply with his plan to blow up a federal building, he throws her out, and then begins to write his manifesto on his mimeograph. When he powers the device, a spark from the poorly grounded spark plugs cause the multiple car batteries to explode, burning the man with sulfuric acid from the batteries and breaking multiple bones in the blast.
228 Die Jump September 15, 1998 Summerhill, GA A sexy, manipulative amateur actress is chosen for a local commercial for the Olympics, but a businessman won't hire her unless she can demonstrate her ability to high-jump. The actress clears the bar, but misses the mat and hits the ground. She gets up, allegedly fine from her fall, until she gets plowed down by a track runner and dies when her spinal cord (which had a hairline fracture from her mat miss) shatters and dislocates, shutting down her nervous system and function in her heart and lungs.
107 High Authority April 30, 2007 Little Rock, AR A corrupt cop is sent to supervise delinquent teens sentenced to clean graffiti off the walls as part of their community service. The bored cop decides to get high off their paint thinner, and emerges from his car in a delusional rage, pointing his gun at the teens and threatening to kill them. When he drops it and goes to pick it up, the gun goes off, blasting into his brains and killing him.
914 Dirty Rotting Scoundrel January 5, 2001 Homestead, FL A lazy, overweight scammer who has been confined to a wheelchair after his ankles broke from his own weight poses as a homeless, wheelchair-bound Gulf War veteran. After coming home to his slovenly house from his latest con, the man begins itching violently and discovers several maggots feasting on his infected bedsores. As the man freaks out, he collapses and dies—not from the maggots eating him alive, but from massive heart failure caused by years of eating junk food and not exercising.
246 (Note: This is the second death with this number) White Wetting December 4, 2005 Woonsocket, RI A drug addict who smokes PCP-laced cigarettes wreaks havoc at a local grocery store, where he plays bowling with the paper towels, knocks over several displays, and declares himself "The Meat Man" while wandering through the deli section. When his mischief attracts the store security guard, he is chased through the store, slips, and slides into a stack of beer kegs, which fall on him and crush his skull (the pain of which the addict couldn't feel because of the anesthetic effects of the PCP).
631 Laser's Edge November 11, 2009 El Segundo, CA A sociopathic geek creates a concentrated death ray by covering a parabolic dish with tin foil. When he places it out in the sun to experiment, he successfully burns insects, tricks his apartment neighbor into putting his hand in the ray's path, and attempts to heat a can of beans. When the can explodes, the force knocks the geek out, and he falls forward into the path of the heat beam, which burns his skull and melts his brain.

References

  1. ↑ "1000 Ways To Die | Explosions, Strange Deaths | Full Episodes". Spike. Retrieved 2014-04-01.
  2. ↑ "SPIKE TV Schedule". Spike.com. 2012-02-01. Retrieved 2014-04-01.
  3. ↑ "SPIKE TV Schedule". Spike.com. 2012-02-08. Retrieved 2014-04-01.
  4. ↑ "Too Fur Gone | 1000 Ways to Die | Free Video Clips". SPIKE. Retrieved 2014-04-01.
  5. ↑ "Painted Love | 1000 Ways to Die | Free Video Clips". SPIKE. Retrieved 2014-04-01.
  6. ↑ "SPIKE TV Schedule". Spike.com. 2012-02-22. Retrieved 2014-04-01.
  7. ↑ "Sculpt-A-Death | 1000 Ways to Die | Free Video Clips". SPIKE. Retrieved 2014-04-01.
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